It is grumpiness caused by pain
and by the exhaustion that comes
from not having felt good
for a WHOLE day
in more than two years.
It is pain that is unexplained
which causes anxiety
which causes more pain.
Not to mention that I have been
with child
recovering from childbirth
not sleeping
and breast-feeding for almost
three years now.
And so, I am grumpy.
But this is what happens when I am grumpy.
I spiral into this dark deep well of self-loathing.
It is a torture chamber I am very familiar with.
I have been here often
but this time my stay has been a little longer.
It is here that I covet and envy
with desperation
with desperation
the things I lack.
The ability to say the right thing.
To have grace, wit, teeming intelligence.
To be beautiful and desired.
To be clever and talented.
To have energy and be energetic,
and funny... oh to be funny.
To be the mom my children deserve.
To have a home worthy of my family
and of our friends and guests.
To be the mom my children deserve.
To have a home worthy of my family
and of our friends and guests.
It is here that I see
that I don't stack up
against those I know
and those I don't
that are here there and everywhere
with their lives splattered all over the internet
revealing their sparkling homes
and sparkled cookies
all cut-out in celebration
of the holiday of the month.
And when I am here,
I often remind myself
of something I like to tell my friends
when they too are riding the seductive curves
of this ride into the deep
which is this:
there will always be someone
more beautiful than you, and uglier
more intelligent, and stupider
richer and poorer
more able, and more inept
fatter and skinnier
and you get my point.
And usually this comforts me
and snaps me back to the place
where I can live with myself.
But for some reason
this time
I am not even able
to take my own advice.
And even though I know
that despite all I am not
and all I don't have
I do have something
far greater than most
(which is the way
of truth
and life
and salvation)
I even question
and am skeptical
of my ability
to be successful
spiritually.
And so we go
round and round
down and down
into the mire
and the muck
of me.
Just me.
and you get my point.
And usually this comforts me
and snaps me back to the place
where I can live with myself.
But for some reason
this time
I am not even able
to take my own advice.
And even though I know
that despite all I am not
and all I don't have
I do have something
far greater than most
(which is the way
of truth
and life
and salvation)
I even question
and am skeptical
of my ability
to be successful
spiritually.
And so we go
round and round
down and down
into the mire
and the muck
of me.
Just me.
2 comments:
venom comes from snakes of which you are not. you are not a reptile. you are a human. and you seem quite human to me and pretty funny actually.
and sparkly
Would it be comforting to you, or insulting if I said I often wallow in that exact muck, inconsolable. I suppose we can look to the days where we get enough sleep and nothing seems quite so bad for a while.
I think you're wonderful and I wish I could write the way you write. You have a talent for expressing thoughts and feelings in a way that makes a person nod their head as they read, and say, "Yeah, that's exactly it."
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