Adrift

shhh. im here and i shouldn't be. of course i have never managed to actually stay away from anything that smacks of trouble, should now be any different? everyone is having meltdowns, breakups, kids, momentous events, and I am adrift in consistancy, balance and an alfalfa healthiness previously only imagined. the one year baby plan has gone out the window with the birth control. its too annoying once married to be bogged down by artificial population control. everyone says we should wait. Enjoy marriage, they say (as though kids ruin it all). its hard to live it up when there is a child already, as well as two dogs, to come home and feed and bathe. one more changes little.

suspicious minds

i forgot how much it hurt. it all came flooding back in a wave of sick misery. i dont know if these tears are of gratitude that it is all over, or of regret for putting myself in harm's way, or even if it matters. but there seems to always be the insinuation of a war. there is no war here, i have laid down my arms, succeded the battle, raised the white flag. you dont need to point out the spoils of war. I am aware. the wounds may no longer bleed, but scars remain... fading into sickly white streaks of damaged flesh. i have gone forward, moved onwards into calm quiet light. I see no reason to be reminded of what was and now is.

best face forward

i am completely disillusioned by the human heart... my own especially. i suppose that is the way it should be, so that desire is created for something better. perhaps i was born at the wrong time in history. but here i am in a permissive, let-it-all-hang-out society who encourages either the vainest most shallow type of superficiality or on the other extreme end wants us to wallow in our pre-assembled self, as is, warts and all. i dont have the stomach for it either way.

manners are out of style, putting others first is passe, as is rising above the common vulgarness of this earth in our walk and talk. lately i have become so aware of who is watching, what impressions we are leaving with those that know us, and those that don't... and i am completely ashamed. I am not suggesting that the pompous putting on of airs, or affecting haughty mannerisims is more appropriate, but i do think there must be a greater consciousness of effort on my own part not only to "appear" to be, but in fact to actually be kinder, more considerate, more gracious, more gentle in spirit.

above that, i would never want to be completely satisfied with the present version of me, and accept that anyone else be either. when God points out ugliness in my life that needs to change, i want to comply. when my soon to be husband sees characteristics that are hurtful to him or others, i want to be willing for change. i dont ever want to expect that others have no expectations of my life. i want to demonstrate love to those that are important to me by giving them a better me, whatever relationship is in question. am i selfish and proud enough to suggest that this is me, as good as it gets, no improvements required or necessary, so dont bother asking? i want to know more humility in my life.

new list

1. not complain
2. more faith
3. take my kid and my husband to india
4. have a son
5. look good in a photo...just one!
6. be a person of integrity
7. own my own business
8. be an incredibly gracious host
9. have a cozy home i am proud of
10. on a street where the trees form a canopy
11. learn to garden
12. and bake amazing cakes
13. reduce the wheeze disease
14. be healthy
15. unplug
16. publish something
17. live God
18. learn to pray
19. pay for the guy behind me
20. a martial art
21. think before i talk
22. be a better example
23. eliminate hypocrasy
24. leave no stone unturned
25. keep my speech impeccable
26. forgive
27. let go
28. accept imperfection, especially in myself
29. travel the list (Hungary, Greece, Turkey, Holy Lands, Egypt, Iceland, China, Russia, etc)
30. adopt
31. live outdoors
32. by fire, under stars
33. do work i enjoy
34. create meaningful traditions for my family
35. eliminate slothfulness
36. have purpose
37. find new ways to show love
38. financial stability
39. learn an indian language
40. play guitar for real
41. avoid getting trapped in suburbia
42. recycle
43. make a cd
44. read the whole bible
45. world cup soccer game
46. busk
47. run a marathon
48. learn to cook indian for real
49. drive across canada
50. hike the west coast trail
51. wake up on the beach
52. europe - both ways
53. have a hammock in my back yard hung from really big trees
54. clam dig/lobster bake at a sandy shore
55. own a poptop
56. macchu pichu
57. sleep in a hut over azure ocean
58. be happy with myself
59. grow old gracefully
60. exude class
61. know my own mind
62. give blood
63. water-front property
64. put God first
65. see things from the light of eternity
66. avoid jealousy
67. have a gorgeous meaningful wedding
68. have a gorgeous meaningful marriage
69. go fly fishing
70. design a house from the ground up
71. find my own swimming hole
72. live honestly
73. eat vegetables i have grown
74. put others first always not just when im in a good mood
75. foster all relationships
76. become a morning person
77. learn to surf
78. ski/snowboard on another continent
79. to be continued.....

brown crush

i am getting married in less than six months. i am excited, stressed, nervous, a little scared of what is to come, and of what will become faded past. however, i am quickly reminded of why this man is for keeps. he does not feed my girlish appetites, or lusts for things vain and superficial. instead he is deeply satisfying. he shares. his time, his money, his thoughts, his space. his lap to needy child or dog. he dreams larger than most, and yet is grounded in reality. he loves completely unselfishly, gives more than he takes and encourages the same. I am overcome with gratitude.

longing

i am so sick of being plugged in, hooked up, addicted to electronic glow. i am nostalgic for the days where, upon arrival, logging in was not my first priority. why this insatiable appetite to pass time by the most unnatural means possible? what happened to quiet? to contemplation under stars? to contentedness just to be. the distractions are overwhelming, but we don't even know what we are escaping from. is it so impossible to be happy unless my brain is processing the maximum amount of information at all times? i want rest. of mind soul and body. i want to lie quiet in streaming sunlight, concentrating on nothing but the warmth dissolving into my skin. i want to sit reverently in velvet dark listening to wind through trees and waters rushing. i will convince myself that these are little luxuries better suited to a more romantic life than mine. but practicality will always give way to flights of fancy.

our song, finally

"I Will Follow You Into The Dark"

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles brusied by a lady in black
And I held my toungue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
The blackest of rooms

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark

-Death Cab for Cutie

letter to the others

we are all the same. alike. we bleed our hearts all over the road and hope the mess will seem romantic to passers-by. we all think we love the most, hurt the most, are unique and we expect that our little quirks will separate us from the crowd. we play our lives like they are spectator sports with only dubious acclaim and a tin cup as a prize. i contest this contest. i cannot will not refuse to give more than another in hopes that it will be me that comes out on top. this is the part where i step down as fan club president and dismantle the entire sick group.

i am through with trying to reign victorious

i see myself. and i am you.

sharmilla. (small s and everything. now aren't i cute.)

songs for lovers

tonight i realized we dont have a song. i am puzzled, baffled, bewildered. how is it possible that two avid music lovers don't have a song. I have songs, and HE has songs, but WE dont have any. Mushaboom by Feist was thrown out there as a possibility, but im not sure that it qualifies in the way that i am thinking. Firstly, my guess is that it should be more obvious than that to both parties involved. Where do lovers songs even come from? Is it a song that you slow-danced to together under stars? Is it one that was playing the first time you made love or said I love you? Is it a song that you discovered together? It it a song whose lyrics make both people think of the other and evoke emotions that have some bearing in the actual relationship? I realize now, that I have never had a "song" with someone else. There are many songs that bring back memories, some good, most painful. There are songs that inspire me romantically, and that conjure up my loved ones face while I listen. But for a song to be "ours", it needs to be reciprocal like every good relationship should be. And perhaps it is another one of those things that comes in time, with history and many shared experiences. But it is stupefying that a romantic heart like my own, that craves all gushy trappings of committed love, has never had a song with another human being. I guess that leaves something to look forward to... and for today, to blog about.

ive got a man to stick it out and make a home from a rented house

yokes on you

sometimes i wonder if there is any point in trying to be skinny. i will never be. i am not built that way. i will not be less broad across my back or suddenly grow "perfect breasts" or my tummy flatten into some pre-motherhood state that i'm not even sure it was ever in in the first place. i can eat right and go to the gym all i want but my arms will never be thin enough to wear the clothes I crave, my thighs never slim enough to pull off bathing attire of any kind. the reality is that i don't want to be just slim, i want to be beautiful. (id like a tiara and a pony while we are at it.) i have to stop talking though, because i am making my self sick.

thoughts for today

brick by brick
is how these walls
come up and down

i am not worthy
to even participate
let alone be victor

i will tire you out
because i do not
trust myself to
know the difference
between what is real
and what i wish to be
real.

sunburn

i hate moxie's but their veggie burgers are alright. Earl's are mucho yummo. at Melrose they are burnt and lacking.... but who cares what you are eating when the patio is in full sun and there is an icy cold beverage a la main.

i like the smell of mayflowers in the breeze.

eighteen hours is up

its always the same thing.

i wish i was a turtle
tortoise?
porpoise maybe?
porcupine?

gutless wonder i am. i am.

can't do it. so will just stew about instead. without the carrots. on simmer.

quiver lip

i like the smell of gas
but i am out of petrol

its all under control.

extra hold 18 hour non sticky natural movement CONTROL.

im really craving some kd... but i have no excuse... no longer any excuse. bring on the frank's red, the singapore curry noodles, the pink in the middle slab of steakly delight.

im in the year 2020... soon enough, soon enough

under the veil of starry skies things are less clear. translucent bordering on opaque. these are the things only a seven year old would know.

here's to working straight thru... pardon me if I get grumpy.

Mwah

nastiness on a thursday

is it possible... just once... for a rock star to marry someone who has one strand of brain in their salon-blond heads? I mean seriously. I thought Matthew Good was whiny, but at least it is usually intelligently so. Then I read his wife's blogsite. Wow, could it be possible for anyone to sound more superficial, bitchy and arrogant? Im glad you have a "cause" Jenny, cause I would hate to see what would happen if you had absolutely nothing more to do then regale us with tales of your celebrity-by-default life, and bubble-headed opinions. Spare me. Happy wedded bliss Matt. She's hot, I'll give you that.... but hugely over-inflated and as sharp as a cotton-ball.

crisis

the truth is I love myself more than I love God. My head knows that it should not be that way but it is. I alternate between moments of suspended disbelief and utter conviction. I would like to say I am not angry or bitter, or do not feel abandoned.. but that is not always the case. I could point fingers too and blame the hypocrisy and judgement of others on my wavering faith... but it really just comes down to one thing... I put myself first. I can see the damage it is doing... I can see the unravelling of the safety net, the chaos that is bred when you take your own way, but I feel fundamentally unable to do anything requiring sacrifice or discipline or humility. I feel like I got led down the garden path to find nothing but a pile of refuse at its end, but why blame God for something I chose? I have consistently deferred to my own brain, my own morality and my own heart... and have ended up regretful every single time.

But sometimes when you are unable to make a choice, God makes one for you. This is a door slamming shut. and it is the scariest sound in the world.

burnt

but i want to go on a big rant about something that makes me sound smart and opinionated. I thought blogs were just public admissions of whininess and boredom. I hate being one-upped by a self-professed "non-writer"... but all the same it makes me warm and glowing with pride. How's that for conflicted emotionally?

hmmm, i could go off about the merits of cling wrap.. it's attributes and inconsistancies. Probably not though.

life evasion

j'ai fini. je suis fini. done. that's it folks. that's all kids... i am tired, exhausted at the lack...over the melancholy comedy.. i heard the words, self-sabotage. but im really happy... does that matter? apparently it's irrelevant to the conversation, because whether i am or i amn't i still can't get it together... gotta go.. Im late for work. Quelle surprise.

Sharmilla responsibility-is-my-middle-name Mathews

its sunny out.

but i really want a puppy

chainese, chai needs... whatever, it's all the same to me.

in tribute to hunter s. thompson... i am full of fear and loathing. i just get older not smarter. i despise my recklessness carelessness disregard for anything necessary.



i find the quietness of ticking time very eerie and disconcerting.

my boyfriend

is always happy to see me or hear my voice
thinks about me before himself
doesn't let me get away with anything
sees thru all the bullsh**t, mine especially
tells me he loves me ALL the time
means it
makes me laugh so hard it hurts
is an amazing brother, son, friend
cares about his future
is confidant
actually wants to improve himself
wants me to improve myself
is incredibly supportive all efforts to do so
encourages my dreams
is unbelievably sweet to the princess
is generous to a fault
stands up for those he loves
and himself
is a creative genius
and just ridiculously smart
has drive and ambition
will try new things
is addicted to music
has the coolest name ever
holds my hand in public
understands my chai addiction
knows all my weird sharmi-isms
has lofty goals for himself
knows how to talk to people
remembers the little stuff
is passionate about life
is energetic and happy
cares about the right stuff
is such a boy
but a man when it counts
includes me in the future
understands my insecurities
knows what i need to hear
says the sweetest things
is a great dancer
makes me feel like the only girl in the room
showers me with treats
but more importantly affection
will listen to a different point of view
doesn't find fifteen year olds attractive
cause he is an adult
is dang sexy
lets me shop
smells good
has the best hair ever
and a killer grin
is adorable in a hoodie
makes great tshirts
puts up with my family
is loved by them
likes my friends
respects me
expects it back
can say he's sorry
burns me cd's
makes me happy


i love you.