2 am

Are you sleeping?

Because I am not sleeping.

I am worrying about every creaking sound and passing car and wondering if I can keep my children safe from all the lurking dangers.

I am thinking about that final moment, where everything we have ever known fades away into a new experience that no one can or ever will be able to prepare us for.

And of course, I am wondering when that moment will be for me. I'm afraid it will come now if I close my eyes, and that unknowingly I will pass from this life to the next without having said all the things I need to say, like I love you, I'm sorry, forgive me.

I'm awake wondering what that moment will be like. Will it come as sweet relief? Will it be soon and surprising or will I yearn for it eventually, which is what I hope.

Of course one possibility exists, that I will never walk through the valley of the shadow of death, because after all, I am a Christian. And Christians believe in Christ. And that he will return.

I am not sleeping because I am thinking about Tornadoes and how I will be perfectly content to never experience a force of nature such as that. I am thinking about how we had tornado watches this week, and that here at home, if I had to I would take my children downstairs into the basement in the little room underneath the stairs and pray for a miracle. But I am also thinking about next week and how I will be in a trailer on a farm in the middle of the prairie.

When my husband comes home, I will give up some of these thoughts, knowing that he is there to fend off the bad guys, and make sure I'm still breathing.

But tonight I am neurotic and afraid and definitely, definitely, not sleeping.