i am completely disillusioned by the human heart... my own especially. i suppose that is the way it should be, so that desire is created for something better. perhaps i was born at the wrong time in history. but here i am in a permissive, let-it-all-hang-out society who encourages either the vainest most shallow type of superficiality or on the other extreme end wants us to wallow in our pre-assembled self, as is, warts and all. i dont have the stomach for it either way.
manners are out of style, putting others first is passe, as is rising above the common vulgarness of this earth in our walk and talk. lately i have become so aware of who is watching, what impressions we are leaving with those that know us, and those that don't... and i am completely ashamed. I am not suggesting that the pompous putting on of airs, or affecting haughty mannerisims is more appropriate, but i do think there must be a greater consciousness of effort on my own part not only to "appear" to be, but in fact to actually be kinder, more considerate, more gracious, more gentle in spirit.
above that, i would never want to be completely satisfied with the present version of me, and accept that anyone else be either. when God points out ugliness in my life that needs to change, i want to comply. when my soon to be husband sees characteristics that are hurtful to him or others, i want to be willing for change. i dont ever want to expect that others have no expectations of my life. i want to demonstrate love to those that are important to me by giving them a better me, whatever relationship is in question. am i selfish and proud enough to suggest that this is me, as good as it gets, no improvements required or necessary, so dont bother asking? i want to know more humility in my life.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
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4 comments:
There is no witness so dreadful, no accuser so terrible as the conscience that dwells in the heart of every man. The first step is to tell yourself the honest truth, the second is to accept it.
Please do not post quotations on my blog without crediting the author, which happens to be Sophocles for the first sentence of the previous comment... a brilliant statement that should be given credit where credit is due.
Here I am once a gain, though I'm sure you will be wondering why, after so long, I am back to make peace.
I have spent alot of time thinking of things over the last year and after all of the stages, the sadness, bitterness, anger, I have one last thing to say. I tend to express my thoughts when they are not fully developed but hold them back once they are. That was the case the last time I wrote. But I think I owe it to us both to explain in a way that makes sense rather than random bitter comments that I spewed out due to anger.
First of all, I have to clarify that when I intially came across your site, I was not searching or obsessing as you must think, I was just curious of how he was doing. Simple curiosity. When I opened his page and saw your name, this time it clicked and so did I, instinctively. I couldn't help but read on and try to put it together, what girl wouldn't? And yes, it hurt. It is humiliating to see your blindness and weakness exposed, no matter how long it's been, or how much has changed in between. I may have jumped to conclusions, misinterpreted things, let my emotions take over, but for everything I don't know there is equally as much that you don't know as well.
You are partially right in that I don't even know you and I was "trespassing" onto your site, but who led me here? How else would I have been able to access this? For some reason I'll never understand, we were introduced, I even liked you. I was blind, but maybe in some cruel way you both wanted me to see. But by the time I figured out my intuitions were right, it was much too late. But still I couldn't hold back, and so I said what I did.
Just because you have experienced pain, that doesn't make the pain I felt any less real or valid. For example, billions of people across the globe have children. Any parent can say "I've been through it, sleepless nights, worries, fear, pain. I got through it so can you" True enough, but I'm sure that doens't make parenting any easier for those experiencing it. Every birth,like every relationship is different. It is a struggle unique to each person. I think sometimes people think, "I've been there, get over it" but it's easy to forget what it is like to experience it first hand. Pain is pain and though we all go through it, it still hurts. I am not trying to be a martyr, just human.
You are right, we all make mistakes and sometimes things don't work out, I am aware. I understand why we weren't right together, not a single doubt in my mind regarding that, especially now that I'm with someone that is right. I even understand how things developed between you two. Love is love, just like pain is pain. It just is. It happens, it's uncontrollable. But why drag me along? Why not be honest after the fact? Either that, or he should have never said anything at all once we were through. Lying to make someone else feel better and yourself, less ashamed or guilty, is pointless, because once the truth comes out it's much worse for both sides.
Sometimes things get carried away and before we know it we've hurt someone without realizing. At the same time, sometimes the person who has been hurt also gets carried away with their pain and lets it get the best of them. I am done with this.
I have accepted it and moved on, happier than I've ever been but still, I couldn't stop myself from thinking that I didn't want to bump into you both, yrs down the road and feel ashamed because I never finished what I started. All I wanted was an appology, an acknowledgment of what happened and the fact that it affected me. Again, curious, I slipped and came on here months later and read one of your posts, and it was sufficient.
I know you never meant to hurt me, and I never meant to hurt you with what I said. But what's done is done. I am sorry, and I forgive you both. Good luck with your marriage, I wish you both happiness. And this time, I assure you, I won't come back. The curiosity is gone now and I've finally said all I've needed to say. Amber
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