the truth is I love myself more than I love God. My head knows that it should not be that way but it is. I alternate between moments of suspended disbelief and utter conviction. I would like to say I am not angry or bitter, or do not feel abandoned.. but that is not always the case. I could point fingers too and blame the hypocrisy and judgement of others on my wavering faith... but it really just comes down to one thing... I put myself first. I can see the damage it is doing... I can see the unravelling of the safety net, the chaos that is bred when you take your own way, but I feel fundamentally unable to do anything requiring sacrifice or discipline or humility. I feel like I got led down the garden path to find nothing but a pile of refuse at its end, but why blame God for something I chose? I have consistently deferred to my own brain, my own morality and my own heart... and have ended up regretful every single time.
But sometimes when you are unable to make a choice, God makes one for you. This is a door slamming shut. and it is the scariest sound in the world.
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